Cubicle Warrior’s UFC 214 Predictions

dcjones

205 lbs.: UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Daniel “DC” Cormier (19-1) vs. Jon “Bones” Jones (22-1)

Heroin is more powerful than cake. Cormier’s last outing versus Ovince Saint Preux was rather boring and did not convince me that he has improved since he last fought Jones. Bones Jones on the other hand has been pounding prisoners and running over old ladies over the past few years. Jones by decision.

170 lbs.: UFC Welterweight Champion Tyron “The Chosen One” Woodley (17-3-1) vs. Demian “the Human Backpack” Maia (25-6)

Woodley has only been taken down once in ten years. Maia has not shown the ability to get inside a longer fighter’s reach in order to sink in a submission attempt. His sloppy hands will be easy for Woodley to counter-punch. Woodley knocked out one of the toughest dudes in the UFC, Robbie Lawler, and Maia is nowhere near as tough as him. Woodley by TKO.

145 lbs.: Cristiane “Cyborg” Justino (19-1, 1 NC) vs. Tonya “{insert designated loser here}” Evinger (19-5, 1 NC) for vacant women’s featherweight title

Nope. No way. No how. Cyborg will terminate {insert dead meat here} inside of 30 seconds unless the Terminator decides to play with her food.

170 lbs.: Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone (32-8, 1 NC) vs. “Ruthless” Robbie Lawler (27-11, 1 NC)

Cerrone has been one of my favorite fighters for a decade, since he was in the WEC. Lawler keeps beating people not named Tyrone Woodley. Lawler will probably eke out a knockout and push the Cowboy to retirement.

205 lbs.: Jimi “Poster Boy” Manuwa (17-2) vs. Volkan “Not worthy of a nickname” Oezdemir (14-1)

Oezdemir has beaten quite a few no-names, plus Ovince Saint Preux, but the Poster Boy has been more convincing against similar competition. Manuwa by TKO.

115 lbs.: Kailin Curran (4-4) vs. Aleksandra Albu (2-0)

Albu. Just because.

125 lbs.: Eric Shelton (10-3) vs. Jarred Brooks (12-0)

Who cares? Shelton is taller and longer.

155 lbs.: Josh Burkman (28-15) vs. Drew Dober (17-8)

Josh Burkman has defeated Jon Fitch. Dober has defeated nobody of note except Jamie Varner. Burkman by decision, I guess.

 

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