Now that I have lived in Los Angeles for three year, I should compare this list of Los Angeles happenings to my experiences so far:
1. You will not go to the beach nearly as much as you think you will. Sorry.
True. Summer if almost over, and I have not spent a full day at the beach yet. Maybe some evenings.
2. You will finally understand a century’s worth of songs about California.
False. Old California is dead and gone. Get over it.
3. You will relax. Though it could be all that medical marijuana you’re smoking (or inhaling second-hand).
False. Quite the opposite. The frenetic pace of work, the stagnant traffic, and expensive cost of living make it hard to relax about anything.
4. You will learn that not all apartments come with refrigerators and/or stoves. It’s weird.
True. It is weird.
5. You will probably not become a vegan, but you’ll eat vegan regularly.
False. Vegan food is too expensive to eat regularly unless you grew up eating miniature portions of vegan.
6. You will quickly learn to say “the” before the name of every freeway, lest you be shunned.
False. You are an idiot if you preface a highway with some honorific title. Traffic on the highways is insane 99% of the day, 80% when school is not in session.
7. You will recognize your neighborhood barista in a Mentos/Progressive/Verizon commercial and claim to be friends with them. Hey, they know your coffee order.
False. My barista barely graduated kindergarten and had his last movie audition five years ago. This is a stupid myth spread around to make it look as if any ass hat has an opportunity to make it big. Sorry, losers, unless you have good genetics and lots of patience, you are not going to get a gig in a commercial. You took a job as a barista or waiter to pay for acting classes, but you are now a loser barista or a waiter. Get over it. Wait another year and your minimum wage will be $15 and hour.
8. You will wonder where the mountains went, then realize it’s just a smoggy day.
True. That shit was not on the brochure.
9. You will consider driving down to Mexico just because you can.
False. Mexico is already here in Los Angeles, and it takes me an hour to drive through it. Why the hell would I drive another three hours just to get malaria, tuberculosis, and syphilis when I can get it here?
10. You will stop to smell the flowers, because you’re not rushing around as much, and flowers are literally everywhere.
True. Los Angeles is the only fucking city with flowers, right? Why is this on the list?
11. You will feel guilty about buying produce at the grocery store instead of the farmers market.
12. You will watch Clueless again, and like, totally get it.
False. I got it the first time when I lived in not California. The plot is that simple, guys.
13. You will develop strong feelings about parking, tacos and “actors” that weren’t there before.
Partially true. I have strong feelings about parking. L.A. has a strong hatred of parking, and probably makes bazillions of dollars in parking fines.
14. You will be annoyed at the lack of good food delivery options. This feeling never goes away.
15. You will slowly turn into one of those people who puts a sweater on when it drops below 65 degrees.
16. You will start to think 45 minutes is an acceptable amount of time to get from place to place.
False. One hour. One. Fucking. Hour. That is how long it takes to get any where!
17. You will learn to avoid Hollywood Boulevard at all costs.
18. You will order something animal style and love/hate yourself for it.
True. I have to cover up the nasty ass taste of In N’ Out with something. That something might as well be the nasty animal sauce that I waited in line for an hour to consume.
19. You will get a tan sunburn in February, and learn to buy sunscreen year round.
False. I am smart enough to know when to wear sunscreen. That is impressive, considering I graduated from a public school in the South. Why is it that the supposedly smarter left coasters cannot figure this out?
20. You will walk less, realize it, and either accept your car-bound fate or become an avid walker/biker.
? This declarative statement is not in the form of a declarative statement and could be true and false no matter how the reader interprets the statement.
21. You will get used to coyote sightings in your neighborhood. You (or someone you know) will lose a small pet. These things will be related.
22. You will have no idea what month it is for about a year, until you get used to the region’s subtle seasons.
False. There are seasons, but they are not like seasons in Buffalo or Green Bay. Anyone with half a brain can figure out the seasons.
23. You will bond with someone who lives on the opposite side of town, hang out once and then never see them again.
24. You will insist the West Coast is the best coast. And you’ll be right.
False. This is a poor generalization based on limited data using a population that seemingly has little experience outside the area. Los Angeles is a nice place to live, but it is not as magical as it perhaps once was.
Only 10.5 of these were true for me.