A long time ago (between the dawn of the faerie and the dominion of men), in a galaxy far, far away (somewhere between the Shire and The Lonely Mountain)…
At face value, “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Three Part Journey That Could Have Been Done In One ****ing Movie If Peter Jackson Were Not a Greedy Fat***” (TH:AUTPJTCHBDIOFMIPJWNAGF) is a delightful tale of Bilbo Baggins‘ resplendent trip outside the warm and cozy confines of Bag’s End to help the Dwarves reclaim their lost home under Lonely Mountain–a voyage replete with visually stunning views of Rivendell, the Misty Mountains, and the Goblin kingdom.
Beneath the surface, we can see that the greedy money making machine really had to stretch in order to split The Hobbitt into three parts. The movie is filled with fluff, and the slow pace is exacerbated by silly fight scenes that are executed as such: the diminutive protagonists protest the paternal guidance of Gandalf, Gandalf traipses off in an angry huff to his emo corner, the Dwarves get stuck in a bind and fight about as bad as Jar Jar, and Gandalf rescues the merry crew through an overused deus ex machina in the form of Gandalf’s magic. ****, why not fast forward through this exercise and have Gandalf beam everyone straight to Lonely Mountain? The dim-witted Dwarves fail to grow up and accept Gandalf and Bilbo until 5 days, 2 hours, and 59 minutes into the movie. Talk about being hard-headed!
Since it is Christmas, I will hold off the complaining and focus on the positives. I found it interesting to see a young, bright-eyed Frodo Baggins before his arduous journey in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Seeing Gollum once again was like seeing and old, precious friend once again. There are even points in the movie that I feel sorry for Gollum, with his CGI tears falling from his over-sized doe eyes. I found the Dwarves’ songs to be quite catchy. I hope to find dubstep versions of Hobbit songs on SoundCloud.com.
All of the characters are enjoyable, but the fight scenes pale in comparison to the gritty, realistic-yet-CGI-enhanced fight scenes from LOTR. I am a bit disappointed at how silly Bilbo Baggins is when wielding his
letter opener Sting sword, at least until about 5 days, 2 hours, and 59 minutes into the movie. HMFDIC Thorin is pretty bad-ass for a Dwarf until about 5 days and 2 hours into the movie, when all of a sudden he turns into a dwarf-sized pussy that finally mans up, er, Dwarves up after being rescued by Bilbo. Gandalf is kick-ass the Gray Wizard, as expected. Saruman is eerily evil, as to be expected.
I wanted to give this movie 5 stars out of 5. I wanted to like this movie as much as I liked LOTR. Even though TH:AUTPJTCHBDIOFMIPJWNAGF is filmed at an astonishing 48 frames per second (fps), twice the frame rate of a standard, 24 fps film (Hey, I can do math! My Iranian engineering professor at Florida would be so proud of me!), it feels more fake than LOTR, as if Peter Jackson filmed LOTR and ran the entire movie through an Instagram filter. Because it is Christmas, the season to be jolly and worship fat
dwarves elves, I will give TH:AUTPJTCHBDIOFMIPJWNAGF 4 stars out of 5.