Bourne Legacy: Where’s the Beef? Where’s Bourne?

Okay, let me get this out of the way right now:

Sure, the Bourne Legacy was somewhat entertaining, and I did not get sick watching it. “There was never just one”. Ya think? How many ‘effing Bournes do we need to keep milking the franchise? How many ‘effing times do we need to change up the plot to justify having a hundred spin-offs. SPOILER ALERT: it was just a dream. That, and the rest of the movie sucks. Done.

Okay, I have more to rant on if you are still reading. Sucks to be you. You must really be bored. In the Original Bourne movies, I got the impression that Bourne was special due to special training, not genetic manipulation and drugs. In this movie, the first of maybe 100 Bourne movies without Bourne, we find that the CIA and other secret squirrel agencies create different types of super agents. The scariest agent, of course, is a 5-foot tall Asian dude whose secret powers are to be creepy and look angry. For an Asian, his kung fu is no good. Come on! He lets a white guy kick is @$$…with help from the librarian in The Mummy. The only white guy that should be allowed to beat up Asians is Chuck Norris, as long as the Asian is not Bruce Lee. Apparently, the Government is all of a sudden good at keeping secrets and running programs. Ha! Double ha! If the G’ummit, specifically a retired Colonel ran a secret program of spies, the program would go over budget, over schedule, and under required performance parameters. Bourne would be a $2B Stephen Hawking in a one-wheeled wheelchair powered by a nuclear reactor tied to a hamster, and the fucking thing would have been re-competed five times amongst Lock Ness, Boring, AIDS, Billy Bob’s Bait and Tackle/ Small, Minority-owned, Veteran-owned Government Contractor Company (BBBat/SMVGCC). On top of that, some ass-clown would have stonewalled the program to protect his baby, a competing program of teenage, genetically altered, samurai frogs (TGASF)…which is also over budget, over schedule, and underperforming. I digress. The movie sucks, and I hate my job.

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2 thoughts on “Bourne Legacy: Where’s the Beef? Where’s Bourne?

  1. Pingback: Week 16 of 213: Even if you fall on your face, you are still moving forward | iWalt 2.0, Cubicle Engineer…

  2. Great review! Love it! I thought the movie was OK. Full of the usual plot holes as you’ve detailed. Definitely worth a rental, though.

    You hit the nail on the head on busting the 9/11 truther stuff, though. How a secret government cabal is supposed to take down the WTC towers without a 5 year contract to L-M coupled with huge cost overruns, I’ll never know…

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