Tip #1 on LA driving: merging. If you are in lane 1 and need to merge into lane 2, do not merge just one lane. Veer over to lane 10 like a madman, then swerve back into lane 2 and 3 simultaneously! Be sure to shoot the bird, wave your cell phone, and shake your $1,000 purse…all at the same time. (Apparently LA women are required equipped with a third arm for shooting the bird.)
Tip #2 on LA driving: speed limit. In LA, the “speed limit” represents the lower bound, not the upper bound. I found this out when a police car nearly rammed my rear end as I was doing 75 in a 65. I did not realize I was in between him and his doughnuts. I should have noticed the huge “Randy’s Donuts” sign just off the freeway. If you are fortunate enough to be on the freeway during the 30 seconds per day there is no traffic, be sure that you have engaged your Warp Engines. Impulse Power ain’t gonna cut it. If the freeway is not crowded, open up the throttle and take advantage of it.
Tip #3 on LA driving: exit ramps. Similar to tip #2. In most other cities, you slow down as you approach your exit. In LA, you accelerate at a rate inversely proportional to distance from exit. By the time you hit the exit, you had better be going Ludicrous Speed, unless you have a SMART car. If you have a SMART car, then grab a 9-volt battery and shock the **** out of that hamster powering your STUPID car and pray that your STUPID car makes it to 25 kilometres per hour. Take that tree hugger! How’s that environmentally friendly car treating you? My gas guzzling SUV has about ten SMART cars stuck to the front bumper–right next to the dead wasps, flies, and Liberal Democrats.
Tip #4 on LA driving: blinkers. Use of blinkers, aka “turn indicators”, is absolutely outlawed in the City of Angels. Violators will have their hair bleached blonde, and will have botox and plastic injected into every orifice of the body until they look like a poorly made Barbie doll castaway from a Chinese sweat shop. Too bad this Barbification process does not result in sterilization. There are too many Los Angelians that have been Barbified and should not be allowed to reproduce. In the mean time, I am enjoying the freedom of not having to remember to use the blinker to signify twenty lane changes per second.
Tip #5 on LA driving: naps. It appears that the God of LA Traffic has a sick sense of humor. I made it to work in 30 minutes on the freeway. I think it took forty days and forty nights to get home. Hey, if the traffic is not moving, that is a good time to catch up on some sleep. Just be sure to put the car in neutral first and let the cars behind you push you along.
Bonus tip: parking. Since parking is a premium out here, be sure to watch a demolition derby on YouTube, or “television” for the old folks. Remember that once you make eye contact with another demolition derby parking contestant, you MUST engage in vehicular combat. I highly discourage “drivers” of SMART cars from engaging in demolition derby parking games. If you have a SMART car, pick up your car, toss it into the recycling bin, and see if some recycling plant will give you some cash to buy a real car…unless you want to become part of the SMART car and squashed bug display on my front bumper. The game ends when a) the victor has smashed the other car b) when the victor’s car is completely in the parking space or c) when a much larger, third-party car crashes over both contestants and claims the spot.
Bonus, bonus tip: If you keep losing parking demolition derby, consider beating up old ladies for their parking tags. Next best bet: snagging the tags from convertible cars.