Cubicle Warrior’s Guide to Walt Disney World Vacation Hotels

Before one embarks on a vacation in Walt Disney World, one must remember the history of Walt Disney World. Here is what I want you to do. Look at Walt Disney World in Google Maps in satellite view. What do you see? Lakes? No! They just call those lakes to fool the Caucasian tourists! Stupid white people! Those are friggin’ swamps! How on earth is a resort supposed to make money in a swamp? The answer? They create these nifty resorts that are designed to keep you constrained to the resort property adjacent to the Happiest Friggin’ Place on Earth, and they even provide these nifty, air-conditioned buses to shuttle you in between the Most Overpriced Hotels on Earth and the Happiest Friggin’ Place on Earth! How friggin’ convenient! Here is a quick survey of the choices for world’s happiest ass-raping hotel choices:

  • Disney’s All-Star Sports Resort. October’s rates for typical family of four: $95/ weekday night. Amenities: two queen beds, no refrigerator, cramped bathroom, pool filled with urine and diaper spillings, one million kids screaming from overdosage of high fructose corn syrup and Adderol. Free shuttle to the Happiest Friggin’ Place on Earth (they want you in one of two places–spending money at the crappy hotel or at Disney and Downtown Disney). Add $10 per night for weekends. Suggestions: bring inheritance money from your recently deceased Uncle Dick, ear plugs, ear defenders, disinfectant, and lots of bug spray. Did I mention this was built on a friggin’ swamp? Recommendation: this is the place I recommend for my white friends that refuse to listen to my other recommendations, all because they want the convenience of staying close to the Happiest Friggin’ Place on Earth. Oh well.  One million other suckers can’t be wrong!
  • Disney’s Coronado Springs Resort. October’s typical rates for a family of four: $169/ night. Amenities: Two queen-sized, cootie-infested beds, mini-fridge, and about $70/ night of “ambiance” (French for “You stupid Americans will pay out the ass for cheap paint, fancy music, and plastic copies of the real thing”). Again, add $10/ night for the privilege of extending your vacation to the weekend. Suggestions: bring nicer clothes so you can fit in with the posers who chose this place to seem slightly more elitist than the crackheads staying at the All-Star Sports Resort. Inheritance cash from your recently deceased Uncle Dick won’t cut it. Better hope your Aunt Edna left you more than her 27 cats. This place is a little pricey for us middle-class Americans. Recommendation: this is the place I recommend for my snootier, but still middle-class friends who think they are better than me, but still associate with me because I make them laugh.
  • Disney’s Polynesian Resort. October’s rates for a typical family of four: $415/ night. Amenities: everything is gilded with gold and studded with diamonds, at least it had better be for this rate. Suggestions: I don’t have many friends who have stayed here, because a) I don’t consort with that many stupid people and b) most people who can afford this lavishness don’t hang around me even though I make them laugh. I suggest robbing a bank or selling your yacht so you can afford this place. Recommendation: I would recommend this place at the deluxe tier of Happiest Overpriced Hotels on Earth if you want to pay out the ass for $325/ night worth of ambiance, pomp, and circumstance. (Read between the lines: if I recommend this place to you that means I really don’t like you and I hope you exhaust your life savings into this place and possibly fall into the “lake” and get eaten by  the Happiest Alligator on Earth.)
For those of you reading this that I actually like, I would recommend any of the following:
  • Shades of Green. October’s rates for a typical family of four: $95/ night for E-5 and below, $123/ night for E-6 and above. Recommendation: Other than the fact that SOG is designed for military suckers, my commentary on this place will be the same as the Disney All-Star Sports Resort. The down side of SOG is that you may get stuck with similar military assholes that you are trying to avoid by going on vacation! Yes, it is true. Assholes go on vacation, too. The person goes on vacation, but the attitude does not. Are you sure you want to risk running into your boss in speedos, black socks, and flip-flops at the urine-infested pool?
  • Hilton Lake Buena Vista. October’s rates for a typical family of four: $199/ night. Book in advance to save $10/ night. Amenities: typical Hilton amenities of 5 bazillion-thread-count sheets, surgically clean gym, overpriced-yet-small-portion food at the restaurant, and the infamous ambiance that I love so very much.
  • Bohemian Celebration Marriott. October’s rates for a typical family of four: $169/ night. Amenities: Dependable Marriott amenities of dual queen beds, clean-but-limited gym, nice pool, and friendly staff.
  • Vacation Village (Arabian Nights). October’s rates for a typical family of four: $99/ night. This is one place I have not seen on the inside myself, but I would like to explore in the future. I jog around this place every time I go to the Orlando area. The pools look impeccable, and the place gets great reviews.
  • Radisson Celebration. October’s rates for a typical family of four: $92/ night. Amenities: two queen beds, mini-fridge, coffee maker, several nice pools, average gym, nice restaurant, nice location with easy access to restaurants. Recommendation: This is my absolute favorite place to stay in the WDW locale. Yes, you do have to drive 15 minutes to get anywhere, but is it worth it to escape the tourist trap.
In summary: If you want to flush your hard-earned cash down the toilet and gargle the mess leftover in the bidet, then by all means, stay on the Disney property. If you want to save some cash, then consider staying 15 minutes down the road and saving the rest of your money on souvenirs for me.
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