I cannot remember my birthday, as in my real birthday 34 years ago, considering I was just a nascent infant. My mom tells me it was quite possibly one of the worst days of her life. Hmmm. After several glasses of wine, I can barely remember my 34th birthday anniversary. If I had to push out babies, I would probably imbibe in many a glass of wine to get me through that process.
Think about it for a minute, or less if you have a short attention span like me…what was I talking about? Oh yeah, giving birth is apparently a process designed to convince men to never again procreate, or to convince them to drop off the pregnant wife at the emergency room door, cuddle with a bottle of wine and a bucket o’ nachos, and wait at home for the Twitter update when the baby is born. Where was I again? Yes, my mom. My birthday. Today is not my birthday–it is my birthday anniversary. Yes, ladies, gentlemen, and liberal Democrats (WTF are you liberals doing reading this blog? STFU and GTFO!), you only get one birthday. After that, you celebrate the anniversary of your birth. What are we celebrating? The fact that mom carried you for nine friggin’ months, complaining every single day about the aches and pains only to go through hours upon hours of intense aches and pains as you fight your way through the womb only to get slapped in the back by a doctor that is probably venting his frustration at missing his 8AM tee time! You come out in an icky, slimy, gooey mess, and someone in the back of the delivery room utters, “Awww…he looks like his dad.” Dads of this world, if you are reading this I would be insulted. If your baby comes out in an icky, slimy, gooey mess and someone says that mucilaginous mass looked just like you, I would punch that guy. In the face. Hard.
Back on topic. Today, we celebrate my 34th birthday anniversary. By “we”, I mean me, my faithful blog viewers (both of you), and Jack Daniel…er, I mean, a bottle of wine. Together we will celebrate the anniversary of that fateful day when yours truly entered this earth in an icky, gooey, mess in hopes that I get to celebrate more anniversaries…with all my fans (both of you) and Jack Daniel.
NOTE: I actually did not celebrate today with Jack Daniel. I do not condone alcoholism and violence…except on my birthday anniversary. Besides, I was on travel this day and actually celebrated the day at a wine tasting party in Virginia. Thanks, Sean. Also, thanks JR and Mich for dinner, and thanks Andrew for putting up with my constant insults.
“Eat the bread with joy and drink the wine with a merry heart.”
Replace “bread” with “nachos”, and that accurately describes my birthday anniversary celebration.
Today’s blog was brought to you by a 2001? Robert Foley Claret and a 2006 Hundred Acre.