Before I dive into my review, I have to share this funny review that I saw on George Takei’s Facebook page (whether or not it really is Mr. Sulu or whether or not that is the original source, the posts on this page are usually quite entertaining). I know I cannot top this review, so I will expound upon it and give some notes in case you watch the movie without reading the 5,327-page book.
The movie starts off with Wolverine (actually, Hugh Jackman playing prisoner Jean Valjean) singing about how much it sucks being French. Fact: “Les Miserables” translates into “It sucks being French, so we sing a lot”. The crazy thing is that Wolverine had been in prison for almost 20 years by the time the movie starts…for stealing a loaf of bread for his starving sister. Funny. I did not recall Wolverine having a sister. Fact: the Wolverine does not have a sister. Anyhoo, the highly efficient French court system rectifies the situation by letting the Wolverine go on parole. Fact: the French court system is only slightly less efficient than the United States Congress. Napster-able song: “Look Down”.
Meanwhile, the Gladiator (actually, Russell Crowe playing prison guard Javert) is mesmerized by Wolverine’s singing, and apparently becomes a roadie that follows the Wolverine’s performances throughout the movie. It’s kind creepy, actually. Fact: During a 12-month period an estimated 14 in every 1,000 persons age 18 or older were victims of stalking in America. Wolverine’s first stop is a church, where the priest takes him in and allows him to steal his silver as long as he becomes an honest man. That makes sense. “Steal this, and you are an honest man.” Napster-able song: none.
Fast forward eight years, and Wolverine is now running a Nike sweat shop where they make new uniforms each week for the Oregon football team. Back in the early 1800s, Nike sweat shops were manned by old, ugly, French hags instead of young, Chinese kids. The one exception to the old hag rule was the token hot chick, played by Catwoman (no, not Halley Berry…Anne Hathaway as Fantine…you know, good girl from The Princess Diaries that got somewhat hot in Brokebutt Mountain, then even hotter in every movie since then). Wolverine has taken on a new identity, simply “Logan” (actually, Madeleine, but Logan sounds more awesome). Catwoman gets kicked out of the Nike sweat shop (long story…watch the movie) and turns to a life of prostitution. FAST FORWARD… Catwoman sings, sees an image of her daughter, and dies. Napster-able song: “I Dreamed A Dream”.
From here, Valjean engages the Gladiator in sword combat…with a two-by-four, jumps into the ocean, and emerges 2.2 femtoseconds later completely dry. Apparently Wolverine has gained some Chuck Norris powers. Anyhoo, Wolverine encounters Borat and Bellatrix Lestrange, buys Catwoman’s daughter’s freedom, and raises her as his own daughter. If you are falling asleep at this point of the movie, about 2 days in, make sure to have someone wake you up for Borat and Bellatrix.
FAST FORWARD… A spoiled, rich kid falls in love with the now-grown Catwoman daughter, Dear John Chick. Dear John Chick battles the daughter of Borat and Bellatrix, Éponine (French for “third wheel”)(played by random new girl)(I had to Google this actress.)(It turns out that she is from the Isle of Mann, which is only 32 x 22 miles…about the size of the Westfield Mall in Los Angeles.)(Did you know that the Isle of Mann is a dependency of Britain, but retains its sovereignty?)(Thank goodness Samantha Banks got this role and not that skank Tyler Not-So-Swift.)
FAST FORWARD AGAIN… There is a mini-revolution, everybody dies, and even I cried manly tears. Vive La France! 5/5 stars.
