Cubicle Warrior’s Review of Taken 2

Spoiler alert: The plot of Taken 2 is basically (1) the same as the plot in Taken. In case you forgot, the original premise was that the protagonist, Qui-Gon Jinn, was killing a bunch of people responsible for kidnapping his daughter. In Taken Part Deux, Qui-Gon is killing people responsible for kidnapping him and his ex-wife.

The good news is that there is a slight morality twist. Remember, Qui-Gon killed a bunch of bad dudes. In Taken Part Deux, he is being hunted by the father of the bad guys that he killed. Is the bad guy daddy justified in seeking revenge for the death of his horribly misguided children?

Knowing all that about the plot, the viewer must decide if he even cares. The viewer comes into this moving knowing two things: this is an action flick and this is a sequel. Obviously, this movie is not destined for an Academy Award. This movie delivers where it counts–awesome fight scenes, crazy car chases, and occasional wise guy quips. In those areas, Taken 2 delivers about as well as the original.

My only complaints about this movie are that it is apparent a few scenes had been censored, cut short for time, or not fully developed. I would imagine that the DVD extended version will fill in those weaknesses. I give this movie a 4/5.

Bourne Legacy: Where’s the Beef? Where’s Bourne?

Okay, let me get this out of the way right now:

Sure, the Bourne Legacy was somewhat entertaining, and I did not get sick watching it. “There was never just one”. Ya think? How many ‘effing Bournes do we need to keep milking the franchise? How many ‘effing times do we need to change up the plot to justify having a hundred spin-offs. SPOILER ALERT: it was just a dream. That, and the rest of the movie sucks. Done.

Okay, I have more to rant on if you are still reading. Sucks to be you. You must really be bored. In the Original Bourne movies, I got the impression that Bourne was special due to special training, not genetic manipulation and drugs. In this movie, the first of maybe 100 Bourne movies without Bourne, we find that the CIA and other secret squirrel agencies create different types of super agents. The scariest agent, of course, is a 5-foot tall Asian dude whose secret powers are to be creepy and look angry. For an Asian, his kung fu is no good. Come on! He lets a white guy kick is @$$…with help from the librarian in The Mummy. The only white guy that should be allowed to beat up Asians is Chuck Norris, as long as the Asian is not Bruce Lee. Apparently, the Government is all of a sudden good at keeping secrets and running programs. Ha! Double ha! If the G’ummit, specifically a retired Colonel ran a secret program of spies, the program would go over budget, over schedule, and under required performance parameters. Bourne would be a $2B Stephen Hawking in a one-wheeled wheelchair powered by a nuclear reactor tied to a hamster, and the fucking thing would have been re-competed five times amongst Lock Ness, Boring, AIDS, Billy Bob’s Bait and Tackle/ Small, Minority-owned, Veteran-owned Government Contractor Company (BBBat/SMVGCC). On top of that, some ass-clown would have stonewalled the program to protect his baby, a competing program of teenage, genetically altered, samurai frogs (TGASF)…which is also over budget, over schedule, and underperforming. I digress. The movie sucks, and I hate my job.

Cubicle Warrior Review of “Act of Valor”

The movie “Act of Valor” is exactly what the Facebook fans and the critics say it is– a moving recruiting poster for the Navy SEALS with occasional acting sprinkled in. With that in mind, this is a damn fine movie worthy of the hype, yet deserving of critic’s vitriol.

The action scenes are authentic and highly intense. If you have not been brain washed, you will enjoy the movie despite excessive propaganda, near documentary realism, and video game quality FPS scenes. If you have a heart, you will cry when someone important dies, even though it is foreshadowed in scene one of the film.

As a professional film, I hate this movie. As an action movie experience, I love this movie. Overall, I rate this as a must-see 3/5. If I could get past the propaganda I would give it a 4/5. Few movies are this damn realistic. Damn few.

Walt Kilar
Aerospace Cubicle Engineer (ACE)

Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

I don’t know whether this movie represents an evolution in the series, or if this movie should be graded in its own merit. This flick is more thought provoking and has a more elaborate plot than the Charlton Heston version. Overall the movie was well done, even though the CGI actors sometimes displayed more depth than their human counterparts. Near the end, the pace slowed down a bit too much. The psychological arc was definitely developed better than the romantic arc. Overall, I rate this 4/5 stars.

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Movie Review: Pirates of the Caribbean 4

Shiver me timbers! That was a ****ty movie! In this installment of Pirates, we follow Cap’n Jack Sparrow as he chases the glorious booty…Penelope Cruz, er, the Fountain of Youth. Speaking of Fountain of Youth, after only five minutes into the movie we can tell that the idiots responsible for this terrible movie were stooping to any level to salvage this sunken ship of a franchise and inject life into it any way possible. They failed. Without the two leading ladies from the previous three movies, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom, this franchise is dead with no hope of resurrection–with or without a mermaid’s tear and the stupid fountain! Yes, it is a stupid fountain! Anytime actors, directors, producers, and dare I say, gullible consumers, get anywhere near the fountain they are guaranteed to lose mucho IQ points. Unless you have plenty of brains to spare, as I do, avoid this mindless drivel and spend your money on something more useful! 1/ 5 stars. Rated S for stupidity. No plot. Mindless action. No Keira Knightly. No mythical sea creatures to entertain the kids.

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